Dear Blokes,
Quick, we haven't got much time! While your girls in the shower, I need to tell you a few things, heart to heart. Turn off the TV. Right, I want to talk about legs. Namely, yours.
Tell me - this summer, what are your legs plans? Now have a little think about this. Stroke that stubble good and proper. Wait, lemmie guess, you're going to wear jeans, right? Unless it gets real hot, where in that case you'll wear those 'sports jeans' that cut off at the knee. What about down at the beach? probably just your boardies, yeah? Good ol' faithful, baggy-arse ocean flappers. They're nice and loose, just like the surfers wear. So, do you actually surf? No? Okay.
Answer me this, tiger, is the main reason you keep your legs covered up is because they are so fluorescent that they upset babies? Have you been chastised in the past for pins so pastel they show up on Google Maps? Have you considered that the possibility that the main cause of this symptom is that for years, your upper-leg region has been as heavily guarded as a US military installation? Without being overly dramatic here, I beseech ye to consider the notion that you may in fact be caught in a self-fulfilling shame spiral of negative body image and that the key to casting off these shapeless poly/cotton shackles is at hand. Listen closely, the time to act is now.
MEN OF AUSTRALIA - IT'S TIME TO TAKE A STAND AND KNOCK DOWN THE OPPRESSION OF YOUR THIGHS LIKE TEN PINS.
There was a time in the early 80s when our male ancestors roamed free in colourful, side-split gym shorts and belted, high-waisted safari numbers without a care in the world. Men kept their legs healthy, took them out for walks, gave them plenty of water and drenched them in essential vitamin D. But circa 88', things began to change. Surfing culture suddenly became fashionable and board shorts descended downwards like a spandex sting-ray, casting a shadow over thighs forevermore. Aided by grunge and gangster culture, for 20 years men have been locked into the regime of the knickerbocker. Men's knees have become what ladies ankles were in the 1800s. Pair this with the Speedo backlash of recent times - the once playful 'budgie smuggler' gags turning increasingly spiteful to the point where professional swimmers now cover themselves in full piece body suits - and I see it as society's message that men should be ashamed of their groins.
I know what you're thinking - that short shorts are for the 'gay man'. But, while you've been bogged down in boardies, your homosexual brethren have been warming their buns in the disco oven. The truth is, you could all learn alot from such male pride.
Fashion has always been about rebelling the norm, and is often born out of the ironic statements of sub-culture. Look, I know shorts may seem like a stretch. But if it's not something you want to do for me, or for yourself, then at least do it for her. The greatest gift you can give Australian women this summer is something to perve on. A bum, some thigh, a hint of package - even if it is just your keys! The longest journey begins with a single step.. and this summer I urge you to get your thighs out and show the world that Aussie men have got the golden goods, too. xx
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